I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
