Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
