I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
