Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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