I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
