She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
