Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
