Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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