you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
