make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
