its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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