I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
