I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
