she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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