whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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