you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
