don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
