I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
