I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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