franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
