Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
