Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
