Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
