Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
