Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just gargled with NyQuil
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
