I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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