I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
only if we run a train.
done.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
