remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
