So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
