You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just invented taco cereal.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
