Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
