this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
