Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
