checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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