I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
