Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
