So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
