Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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