My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
