The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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