then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
