I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
