I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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