but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
