I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
