I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
