I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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