I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
