My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
