my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
