he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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