the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
